I wrote this for my public blog at ecowhore.com instead of writing the other things I should be writing, because I felt like writing this.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’m writing a book where this is sort of the central theme. It should be done in a year or two.
Mostly I do sex work because I think that people are only changed in relationship (to other people, their environment, the world). What I’m especially interested in is how relationships change me, and how in relationships I can change other people. If you’re interested in this kind of thing, I highly recommend Mind Self and Society by George Herman Mead, and also essays by Judith Herman about women in place. Because sexuality is such a deep part of our selves, the change opportunities it offers are exponentially huger than those that could happen during a casual conversation.
I think love and the way we exist in relationship are all fucked up in this culture and I’m a (small) ambassador.
Then there’s this thing where I grew up in and I live in a culture that teaches women to be ashamed of and devalue our sexuality. (I think Davka wrote in a poem one time, “[the culture] writing shame between our legs”). I’m a frigid prude if I don’t give it away and a slut if I do give it away. This shameful thing between my legs is supposed to make it so that I make less money, get less respect, have less power, am less than men. Fuck that. Let me re-write the story for you, literally, with my life: this thing the patriarchy tries to shame and devalue is what they desire and need the most. It means I make more money, get more respect, and have more power.
Sociologists are starting to agree. Interested? Read Erotic Capital by Catherine Hakim.
Those are reasons that sound good, right? Here are some reasons that don’t sound so good.
I like sex but I don’t like (most) casual sex. If I’m not getting Love and Deep Friendship then I want Money, otherwise I feel cheated. That means that if I’m not having awesome relationships (which are hard to have when you’re a hermit who lives in the woods) my options for sex are kind of limited.
When I was younger I had a lot of issues. Capital I Issues maybe. Dream coached me into having one night stands and then calling her to go over all the details in the morning. Like I said: we are changed and we learn through relationships. All relationships. I spent 15 years in strip clubs practicing saying No. It was awesome. People who have to actually have whole Relationships to learn from them don’t get to have 30 or 50 practice relationships every night. So, possibly just as much as I seek to change those I meet, I am consciously and always being changed by the people I engage with.
Then there’s that thing where I started doing sex work when I was really really young and my dad always said I was a whore and I spent many formative teenage years rescuing myself with sex work. If I’d had a happy, healthy, wealthy family who involved me in my community in a healthy way and sent me off to college with a car and credit card I would most likely have never become a sex worker. Does that make the other things invalid?
Well, that’s what I’m writing about.
About a year ago, or maybe it was two years ago, a new book came out that I was so excited about. I thought it was going to be a manual for navigating healthy loving relationships in a totally fucked up culture where we’re mostly all a little fucked up ourselves. Navigating such relationships is really difficult for me and also one of my passions, so I was incredibly eager to read the book.
Unfortunately, the book only seemed to describe the problem(s), not the solution. Other people loved the book and it’s doing pretty well, so I’m sure it’s a great book. It just isn’t what I thought it would be, and you know what they say: expectations lead to disappointment.
I started thinking what a book like that would look like. If no one else would write it, I would. Not that I’m an expert, but I seem to have learned about as much as anyone else. Then I realized I had already written the book in my work journals, which model for the reader exactly how to navigate short yet loving relationships by the hour with very civilized wealthy men. Yes! I would publish all my journals in a book and call it Selling Love To The Patriarchy!
It took a long time. I took a writing class from a famous author. I workshopped my stories. I decided I hated them all and would never let anyone read them. Then I loved them. I figured there weren’t many people who would buy a book called Selling Love to The Patriarchy, so I went with Whore Diaries, which seems much more marketable.
That’s the story of how this book came to be.
My last book was about becoming an escort and working with a busy agency. This one is about being an independent escort seeing clients that I’ve chosen and screened myself.
It’s FREE today and tomorrow (Saturday and Sunday), and my goal is to give away at least three thousand books! I would be ever so grateful if you downloaded, read, and reviewed it. Tell all your friends!
Have you ever stayed up all night reading all of the stories a person has ever written on the Internet, simultaneously thinking how amazing they are and how creepy it would be if you emailed them? That was me a few years ago with Jodi Sh Doff’s Dirty Girl Diaries. Then she wrote more things. She was in all the anthologies I loved AND on the Red Umbrella Diaries Podcast.
Then! She read my book! She even said something nice about it on Facebook! I was so excited.
Then she tagged me in this thing. It’s called The Next Big Thing! One of my writing heroes thinks I’m the next big thing! Or there just aren’t that many people she knows releasing books this month. Anyways, this is the way it works:
Each person tagged answers a series of interview questions and posts them on his/her blog or website while also linking to up to five other writers. Those writers then answer the questions, post and include links to five other writers and so on and so on….
1. What is the working title of your book?
It’s called Whore Diaries II: Adventures in Independent Escorting (and I’m releasing it this Saturday!).
When I first had the idea of putting all my work journals together into a collection, I wanted to call it Selling Love To The Patriarchy, but I realized that would turn a lot of potential readers off. Then I read that for marketing, your title should say exactly what the books is. So I went with that.
2. Where did the idea come from for your book?
I live a double life. I have all these experiences that I think are really beautiful, significant, and invisible in our culture, but in my real life I can’t talk about them at all. Part of stigma and marginalizing is devaluing. Who would want to hear the stories of a fucking whore anyways? Selling my experiences as books is my way of sharing my secret life and in a way that forces the reader to value my experience. Or, to put it in stripper terms, I’ve figured out how to say, “fuck you, pay me,” to society.
That whole thought process took me a few years. Then I found out that I actually make a lot more money if I give away a bunch of books. So you, reader, you can have my book for free on Saturday.
3. What genre does your book fall under?
Memoir. In Amazon I put it in the categories Memoir->Criminals and Memoir->Adventurers. I wish there were a category for Memoir-> a string of beautiful intense stories.
4. Which actors would you choose to play yourself in a movie?
Would you hate me if I said movie stars all look the same to me? The only one I can think of is Julia Roberts, and it would be neat to have her play a different kind of hooker, I guess. People used to say I looked like Jennifer Tilly, and I looked her up online the other day and I think we’ve even aged somewhat similarly.
Speaking of movies, readers, I have an urgent question for you: I received a movie theater gift card months and months ago and I would like to use it this weekend to see something not scary that won’t leave me with an emotional hangover for no reason. What’s playing now that’s kind of like that?
Now I get to tell you about the next next big thing!
1. Definitely Carrot Quinn‘s hike from Mexico to Canada! She’s pre-selling discounted books through Kickstarter right now to fund her adventure. Also she has a book about riding freight trains and a bunch of free writing available on her blog. Someday Carrot is going to be a very famous writer.
2. Have you heard what the Red Umbrella Project is doing? They’re having series of memoir writing workshops which each culminate in an issue of a literary journal published twice a year. Here’s a link to the first one. I love everything that Red Umbrella Project puts out because they really focus on including all sorts of sex worker voices and experiences.
Since I published a book I decided to read a bunch of similar books. Probably I was supposed to do that before writing the book, but I also hear it’s dishonest to think too much before you write. So I waited, and these are some of the books I’ve read (I decided to not review awful books, such as the ones written by delusional customers about their love affair with their favorite escort or the ones written by people who seem to have nothing to say or the one by the guy who writes about non consensual sex acts with cheap escorts):
The Price: My Rise and Fall As Natalia, New York’s #1 Escort
Remember that baby stripper you met back in the day who had an unfortunate habit of shoving things up her nose, bad taste in men, and the social skills to pull it all off? This book will remind you of her.
It’s written in the authentic voice of a smart articulate lady who’s not a polished writer. There are some bad reviews on Amazon that are critical of the writing, but it’s really just like sitting down having a conversation with Natalie. I really admire her ability to tell such a long story in so much detail, and it was really great learning how others approach and experience the business.
Indecent: How I Make It and Fake It as a Girl for Hire
This is a book about Sarah Katherine Lewis’ experiences in lingerie shacks, jack shacks, strip clubs, peep booths, and so called Tantric temples. Ms. Lewis is an incredibly good writer. She’s pretty jaded about the industry and her conclusions aren’t mine.
It was so, so good to read someone else describing interactions in the same (but so different) detailed intellectual way I tend to. If you like my writing for the over-analysis of the sex industry, you’ll love this book too. If you’re into me for the woo of the sex work, you’ll wanna skip this one.
Story of an American Escort
I’m totally into all the sex workers telling our diverse stories. Which is one reason I’m loving Amazon’s self publishing for Kindle so much – we can all get our voices out there without submitting to the pimps of the publishing industry. This lady, like Natalie, has a good conversational writing tone although she’s obviously not a practiced writer.
The book reminded me of LA sooo much! I was seriously nostalgic when I read this.
For most of the book I was thinking, “really?? Just stop doing stupid stuff!” Of course, that may be more a reflection of me than the author. Like, probably there are a lot of people who think it makes perfect sense to keep working with someone who drug-rapes them into sleeping with their clients.
Anyways. This is probably representative of a lot of sex workers’ stories and if you’re into real peoples real stories in sex work you’ll enjoy it.
Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex
THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!! It’s 348 pages of essays from all kinds of sex workers – from those that charge $10 to those that charge $2k/hour. The editor introduces each essay personally with heart warming, disturbing, sweet, or just interesting context. There are essays in here that are like, “sex work is empowerment! Feminism yay!” There are stories from women who were violently forced into prostitution. There’s an awesome letter from a lady named Mocha Luv (I think) who’s like, “fuck all this feminist bullshit, I’m trying to make a fucking living without losing my mind.”
Read this book. You won’t regret it.
In My Skin
This is probably the best sex worker memoir ever written.
It artfully follows the author from a very normal, privileged, good girl life through heroin addiction, street work, and rising through the ranks of brothels into sobriety. This is a very honest, very well written look at addiction and sex work.
Just read it.
This whole ebook publishing thing has been really fun, and even a little profitable. I’m definitely going to do it again and again. But first I want to do it with you.
Here’s the thing. I thought I wrote a book of good stories about escorting, but what people read was How It Is To Be A Hooker. Look at the reviews! I actually have a lot to say about how it is, why I do it, and how I do it. But I don’t think I should be the only one with a whore manifesto on Amazon just because I run my mouth (er, keyboard) the most.
So, here’s what I propose: let’s make an email list. We’ll share ideas, inspire each other, and each write a little 10-30 page manifesto. I just figured out the whole amazon publishing process, so I can help you through that. It costs $5 to get an awesome cover from the lady I used and $5 to get your book formatted for kindle. The rest is free. Sometime around December 17th we’ll all release our manifestos together and tell the whole world about it.
Added bonus: next time you get an email from a grad student you can just tell them to go read your book.
Are you in? Email me: writetoecowhore at gmail.
The biggest disasters are those of unpreparedness, dependence, and plain old thoughtlessness. Because of different levels of preparation and common sense, one person’s disaster is another person’s inconvenience. So, let’s talk about preparation. Don’t worry, I won’t tell you to stock canned goods.
There are just a few things you need.
It would be most convenient if you had a five gallon bucket or two set aside for times when water doesn’t magically come out of your tap – but maybe you don’t get to stay in your house, or you don’t have enough water saved. Do you know where the closest water source is? Do you know if it’s “safe” to drink or how to make it that way?
You are probably used to living in a big ol multi-warm-room house. I get that. But that isn’t really practical. In a cold situation that you’re relatively unprepared for you have two options: block off and insulate a small room to be heated with fire, propane, gas, or oil heat OR insulate yourself and rely on body heat. Everyone should have wool socks, insulated pants, wool long underwear and sweater, coat, hat, and gloves. This is the most important survival gear if you live in any kind of cold. You know what else is amazing and can totally save your life in the extreme cold? A -60 down alternative sleeping bag, rectangle stretch out style. It’s fifteen below here and I’m sleeping outside nice and toasty in one right now. There’s even room to squish a dog or another person in, and it can be unzipped and laid out to cover a few people.
Edible wild plants have awesome nutrition, but you aren’t going to get survival calories from lambs quarter or your garden broccoli. You need nuts, starchy roots, or meat. Preferably meat. Do you know how to put out snares? Sew a couple stretched out snares into the hem of your coat and you’ll never starve. Do not tell me you’re stockpiling food. In a real emergency, people will come and take your stockpile. They can’t take your skills though, and your skills will make you valuable.
Fire is useful for cooking food and for keeping warm. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t understand how to make fires, so please don’t think I’m patronizing you, dear reader. Fire moves up. If you light a piece of paper on fire and set it on a piece of wood the flame will rise up from the paper until it burns out, barely burning the wood. What you want to do is light your piece of paper (or birch bark, or dry grass, or plant fuzz) and then put teeny tiny sticks on top of it to catch on fire, and then slightly bigger sticks on top of that, and slightly bigger sticks on top of that, etc. But don’t smash your fire into the dirt and smother it! Fire can not burn without air.
Learn a few ways to make a spark. Matches, flint and steel, and bow drill. This makes you a handy person to have around, say when you’re out logging with friends and they need to smoke but no one brought a lighter.
That’s it, all you need. It’s not a disaster if you can’t take the train to work or use your iPad.
I reach for my boobs the way I always do when it’s time to close the sale or move the fuck on, but my sweater reminds me this isn’t a strip club.
“Mmmhmm,” I nod. Keep looking interested, self.
Behind him are hundreds of other men, all in black suits, and a few dozen women dressed up like Corporate Barbie for free. Usually guys like this have to pay $300/hr to talk to me. This will pay off later, I remind myself. Much, much later. Besides, even if it doesn’t I’m making a good connection.
I’d just really prefer to get the money up front or peace out.
Guess what I did???????
Yep, I wrote a book. It’s short (30 computer pages, 80 kindle pages?) and it’s awesome.
I thought maybe you would like to hear about how I became an escort, traveled to another country, worked in a crazy collective slash agency, and indulged foot fetishists and tantric worshipers. It’s all in here, written in the thoughtful cinematic style that you already love.
For today and today only, it’s 99 cents. I wanted to make sure that all my long term subscribers could get a copy.
You can read it on your Kindle! If you don’t have a Kindle, you can still read it on your iPhone or with Kindle for PC. Possibly someday it will be available in some other way, but for now I’ve sworn my book selling monogamy to Amazon.
Speaking of Amazon, if you like my book you can help it rise through the ranks in it’s category. It turns out Amazon is a lot like clips4sale – the more you buy, review, and tag, the more people just browsing will see my book. Here’s a whole post about the care of authors on Amazon, if you’re interested.
If you all like this, maybe I’ll do it again! Wanna get an email about the next book so you can take advantage of the 99 cent first day special? Sign up below.
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“Oh yeah, and now I’m an escort!” I was catching up with somebody I hadn’t seen in a few years.
They looked kind of puzzled. “Didn’t you always do that?”
“Well, no. I mean, kind of… well, it’s different.”
They shrugged. “It seems like everyone I know in the sex industry does a little of that, so I just assumed…”
Well, it’s different. But I realized the differences probably don’t look any different to people on the outside and might even seem boring, so I saved it for a blog post.
Imagine this, how it used to be, the golden age of the sex industry:
You blow into town. You think, “wouldn’t it be nice if I fucked a dude with a strap on and he gave me $200?” So you write an ad for that and you get 16 emails from guys who would like to fulfill that fantasy for you. You pick the two that sound the most compatible, and that evening you’ve got $400 (well, $300 after hotel) and a better broken in strap on.
BUT THEN! Imagine some puritan assholes shut down craigslist which was the only place in the world where you could place a “sexually explicit” ad. Imagine you can only advertise your time and no specific boundaries or things you think are hot. Imagine you won’t be blowing through towns and the only way to build your business is to ambiguously advertise your “time” for sale and hope to build up great reviews and a reputation that will attract good customers.
So you build a website. You get good pictures. You register yourself on every advertising and review site in your area. You try a million ways to non sexually explain the kind of sex you might like to have in wording that will not put you in jail and you consider that that kind of sex will make it into your reviews and be what men expect from you for ever and ever. You consider the potential effects of bad reviews and whether your step-uncles who always come to the strip club will find your escort site. Is your ad copy alienating the working class? Are you not attracting the leisure class? Don’t forget, you’re now a leisure item.
Now it’s time to go to town. Don’t forget to advertise two weeks ahead of time and email all your regulars. Get a calender. Don’t write in the calender, imagine if the cops got ahold of that? Screen the fuck out of all your new clients, cause all the arrests go in the newspaper your mom reads and all those reviews might not be so great in court.
Stay up reading your reviews. They like you, they really like you! What kind of person reads these reviews and wants to see you? What kind of person reads these reviews and doesn’t want to see you? Do clients know that TER won’t let you give me a 10 unless I do anal, or do they think my 7 is because I suck? When clients mention me in other ladies reviews, how should I take it?
Priceline at the last minute, go over your schedule, how many months of expenses can you make in two days? Don’t forget to subtract expenses. Don’t book too many guys in a day. No one deserves sloppy sevenths. Three is the magic number. But if three people want me Thursday, nobody wants me Friday or Saturday, and four people want me Sunday, does that mean I should stay longer?
Now hope that you wake up five days from now wanting to have five hours of excellent sex. Hope that you’ll feel like looking into souls, listening to body language, reading chakras like traffic lights, orchestrating and surrendering to ecstasy.
And it turns out you do. It turns out you can do it again and again and again, and you love it.
It’s magic, but it’s much harder magic.
In other words, super awesome queer porn. In which I appear in carharts, suspenders, and a strap on, with my amazing friend Trixie in a similar outfit. The star, of course, is not us but Trixie’s girlfriend Delia. Imagine Barbie with curly dark hair, deep brown eyes, and a big cock. Also imagine that she’s submissive and follows around cleaning up after and feeding Trixie and I (but that part’s not in the video).
I don’t look like a porn star in this. Suprise! I look like a kind of chubby kind of hippie dippie long haired butch with suspenders. Isn’t that how you’ve always wanted to see me? Delia looks amazing. She sucks my cock, rides my cock, gets fucked by Trixie’s cock… but we don’t let her cum for the longest time.
This was really hot. I mean, it was way hotter being me than it probably is watching me. I was grinding up into Delia so hard that I was sore for days. Here’s a promo gif that Trixie kindly made (another way to see this movie is by joining their sites).